I’ve been compensating for some time now. Trying to prove something to everyone else as well as myself. I realized that I’ve felt this way for awhile, all while not understanding what it was that I was truly feeling. That's the thing about feelings ( sadness, anger, disappointment); you know those feelings are real hence, the reason we assume the feeling is real… it has to be true. But if we sit with the feeling long enough, just to process and understand it, I think we’d be awakened by some “real” truths.
The truth that, me, “feeling as though I’m never doing enough” starts with my own insecurity. It’s not to say certain things didn’t initiate it or progress my insecurity; but I have to own the fact that I’m the one who carried it.
I’m the one who’s been carrying around the baggage of feeling as though I’ve been a burden or disappointment to others because I didn’t travel the roads that I was told I should travel. Need I mention, that whenever someone gives you advice and leads with “What you should do..”, it’s most likely judgment not advice ( Learn that from Iyanla). Reason why I now avoid telling others what they should do; and focus on their limitless opportunities of what they could and can do. Usually when people are judging it’s because we’re projecting our own fears onto others. For instance, I remember I wanted to major in Theater attending South Carolina State University. I was then questioned if a theater degree would be stability moving forward in life. I mean, tell someone in so many words you don’t believe in their dreams and goals. However, I carried that with me, layering yet another burden to add to me not knowing my worth. I questioned my talent and abilities on if I could actually have a chance at living out my dreams.
Just to give you all some background of how I may be perceived among family and friends is that I’m a head in the clouds ( Hence why clouds are a constant theme in my image branding); goes where the wind blows; no stability type of girl. You know Denise Huxtable, flower child, dingy, hippie…anything people can attach you to when they don't know how to define you. I have to admit that my head was in the clouds dreaming, visualizing and seeing what others couldn’t but it was fading more and more. It was fading because I started to believe that my dreams were only that and I didn’t have the capabilities to do what others did or have never done before. I felt inadequate, dependent and unsure. This hung over my head like that dark cloud whenever I had a roadblock in my life. Whereas, some looked at a roadblock as a challenge to defeat and use as a testimony;
I, on the other hand, saw a roadblock and questioned if this was really meant to happen. “Well, guess I can’t go down this road. I might as well turn around.”
Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of my own power so I didn’t understand that I could do whatever I put my mind to. I thought opportunities came by perhaps and not purpose; by aligning your mindset with your actions.
Presently all of my baggage is coming full circle because now, being a 38 year old stay at home wife and mother, I sometimes struggle to stay afloat. I drown myself with trying to keep my home a home, raising my children, being a loving partner; all while trying to find some time to write to you all. I know I don’t have to do Bella Minded but this is one of the things that’s my own and just me. See we all wear many hats and play many roles but sometimes we forget that when there are no hats and no roles it’s just us…just me.
I’m aware there are many people (men and women included) that look at my life as a stay at home mom and feel like, ”what’s the problem?”; because I get to sit at home all day, lounge, tend to the kids and wait for the hubby to get home. Listen, I don’t know who needs to hear this but raising kids is no joke. Providing is the least of the struggle within parenthood. Shout out to my parents who are not only financially invested in their child’s well being, but are just as emotionally, mentally invested and attentive. Don’t get that confused with the overbearing parents because although I love y’all, I feel like you all are low key trying to live vicariously through your children. But I could be wrong, no harm no foul.
As a stay at home parent I don’t get a day off. My job is 365 days a year of micromanaging little people and if you know about the irritants of micromanaging then you know it can become exhausting. Listen, that little supervisor on your job who wants to oversee and delegate everything you do, is a tough cookie because micromanaging isn’t for the faint at heart. I digress.
One thing people may overlook as a stay at home parent is that we sit in a position to become overly available. We can bend our time at will because we don’t have a clock in and clock out kind of a job. The problem is…people become accustomed to that. “Babe can you do this?” or “Mom, can you do that?” and let’s not speak on the things you’re just expected to do without being asked because, you normally already do it.
Being in a position where I’m not the main breadwinner I felt obligated to make sure my husband didn’t have to carry any more than he already has to. So here I am drowning because I feel like I have to be ‘Superwoman’ even though Karen White said I wasn’t. All because of what? All because I lacked knowledge of my worth and what I had to offer. I never felt like what I had to offer was enough. I never felt smart enough, clever enough, strong enough, popular enough, nice enough, seen enough. I’m just never enough.
So now what? What do you do when you realize it doesn’t matter how much tenacity, effort, and grind YOU put in…it’s never going to be enough for YOU?