Updated: Jul 31
First and foremost let me make this disclaimer: I am no professional licensed therapist, counselor or coach. I'm merely unpacking my own pain, challenges, trauma and triggers to help forward my growth and healing. I encourage anyone reading my articles (even myself) to seek professional help if you need it and remember that my articles are based on my experiences and opinions.
Now that we have that out of the way; I can proceed with this self lesson. Continuing from last month's theme in discovering myself through discovering my voice ( and I'm doing very much that); lead me to discover the conflict with building and connecting with new people. I was "Showing Up For Me" and understood that everyone isn't going to like what that looks like; but I wasn't giving the space and room for those who did believe I was their "cup of tea".
I focused more on who didn't think I was and it didn't dawn on me that I wasn't focused on attracting the tribe who did.
Initially, I understood the assignment but failed to complete the assignment because I made a detour. If you're subscribed to Bellaminded.com then you were able to read my Weekly Memoir about my journey in allowing my vibe to attract my tribe. I assumed I was ready to journey into a world of being authentically me and attracting those people but somehow I got so consumed with putting myself out there to find these new relationships that I was chasing...not attracting. This is where I recognized the imbalance of my feminine energy. I was so busy trying to do, rather than allowing it to be. You might call that a slight control issue that speaks to my lack of self trust issue.
It's as if I don't trust what I'll attract in people if I vibrate higher, or as I like to refer to it...my authentic self.
So where does this lack of self trust come from? What is self trust? How do you know if you have a self trust issue? How does having or the lack thereof affect or influence my daily life?
I know as a woman it affects my intuition. We, as women, base a lot of our knowledge on having that "Woman's intuition". You know...that gut feeling that we don't use as much as we should; if at all. Which brings me to ask "Why don't we use it as much as we claim we have it?" Is it because that we really don't have it? When I was trying to process how being my authentic self was going to help me be able to expand and connect with others, the answer came to me in so many ways. It came through meditation, journaling and even an oracle reading. I still, somehow reverted back to chasing and not attracting.
It's as if all the insight, intuition and signs meant nothing if I didn't believe it or trust the answer that was given. I came to the conclusion that in order to attract the people I wanted to attract in my life, I had to very well be that to myself so I could pour that outward into the Universe to get that back. I couldn't understand why I was making steps forward but I'm not going anywhere or maybe even taking steps backwards. I'm rushing to action without allowing the answers to flow to me. Then later I'll question myself on why I have such a hard time in trusting people and making new connections. When it all comes down to it... "I don't trust myself". I don't trust myself to have the answers for myself; I don't trust my intuition; and I don't trust who I am authentically.
Trusting myself is a important factor when it comes to having a strong intuition. That's trusting what I reveal to myself and the answers I have within.
It's also just as an important factor when it comes to trusting others. The same way the saying goes " How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself", that goes for a lot of our growth in our lives. It's the manifestation as it pertains to The Law Of Attraction. You attract what you are or what you put out is what you get in return.
WHAT IS SELF-TRUST?
Self-trust is your confidence. Confidence is (according to google.com) firm trust; the state of feeling certain about the truth of something; 2) A feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's abilities and qualities. When you trust yourself you have the confidence in your decision making, your judgment and your skills, gifts or talents. That means that I wouldn't have to second guess the trust in my interpersonal relationships because I trust that I have a good judgement of character. I would trust that I can be who I am without needing someone to tell me who I am. I would also trust that I can make those tough decisions because I know what's best for me, I'll always have my interest in mind.
We love to quote "I trust people to be exactly who they are" and I say that's a total scapegoat. We'd rather set low expectations of people so we don't run the risk of being disappointed or hurt. When we could set the standards for those people to show up; but that means we'd have to show up too. That means we'd have to have the confidence; the self-trust to be our true authentic self.
DO I REALLY HAVE SELF - TRUST ISSUES?
It's been conditioned, like so many things, that revealing our insecurities is a sign of weakness. Everyone wants this self perception of being someone with so little flaws and having it all together. Openly admitting you have insecurities about your worth is far from weak in my opinion. To be able to admit you're insecure is a strength in itself because you can be vulnerable and admit you're not perfect and you have room for growth. Listen, shadow work is not for the faint of heart.
I can't speak for everyone about knowing how to recognize if you have trust issues with yourself but I can tell you what stood out for me. Recently, I was sent the message that I need to recognize how I could be perceived by others. Don't get it misunderstood with trying to gain some outside validation but maybe some self - realization. Sometimes we aren't aware of the energy or temperament we project outwards or onto others.
As I became more intentional about the way I may come across to others I had to start looking at how I am with myself. I speak more about why people may not connect with me or why they don't like me and I don't lean into to the people that do. I don't speak on how I'm just as valuable to others as they would be for me. I kept feeding the thoughts that: "I was missing out because I didn't have a circle"; but not what others were missing out for not wanting me in theirs. I'm feeding the negative more and more while starving the positive. I'm not realizing how I'm projecting an energy of attracting people who feed their insecurities the same as I. So of course you're going to run into the issues of competitiveness and jealousy.
Allowing my insecurities to guide me in making decisions in my life is a huge sign that I lacked self-trust. I wasn't leaning into that "Woman's Intuition". I was moving on trauma and pain because I feared being hurt again. It's so easy to misinterpret that fear as protection because that's our natural defense. But what we're really telling ourselves is that we don't trust our judgement our intuition to reveal who and what is for us and what's not.
Check out Iyanla's 2020 article with Mind Body Green on the 21 signs that you don't trust yourself to see if you may lack self trust.
HOW DOES LACK OF SELF TRUST AFFECT MY LIFE?
Showing up for myself has been a difficult task for me to do because I've been dealing with not anxiety. The constant second guessing myself on decisions or reluctant on taking opportunities; has me complacent. I can't elevate to the next level if I'm relying on people outside of myself to give me the answer. I can anyone have my best interest more than me? So why I'm depending on people outside of me?
Lack of self-trust keeps me deep in my insecurities. It keeps me distant, uncertain and anxious. When I want to feel liberated, confident and happy. It's easy to blame the people around you for trust issues but what does it say about ourselves when we continue to let these people around. Is it something we aren't learning? Is it a lesson that we keep missing? All I know is... I'm ready to trust me and trust others. I'm ready to have a mind of positivity and clarity. I'm no longer interested in feeding the self doubt and the insecurities.
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