The Moment I Realized I was Balanced| Letters From Her Mind

Dear Sis,

I had an experience that I either never experienced or I’ve never recognized it as this particular experience. It was an unfamiliar feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t worry or anxiety. It wasn’t that jittery sensation of anticipation for something exciting to happen. It wasn’t sadness, grief, happiness or joy. I pondered on this feeling for days trying to analyze and critique what it was I was experiencing until..

I was taking my morning walk, and this particular walk I was walking alongside of my husband. And we were having our usual chit chat but I can admit my mind would drift from the chat and I’d find myself turning my focus into my body. Nope, no flutters and jitters in my hands, feet, womb, and chest like they’re usually. Hmm.. quite interesting to say the least. So why do I feel like something’s missing? Why do I feel like I’m supposed to be feeling something? I decided to not overthink it and turned my attention back to walk and back to being present with my husband. And no sooner than I did, it turned on like a light bulb.

“I wasn’t feeling anything”, I initially thought. Well, it’s not that I’m not feeling anything but I knew it wasn’t the intensity of joy, excitement, pain and worry. I said to myself “I guess I’m just neutral today”. AHA!! I’m neutral. I’m neither hot or cold; up or down. I’m not feeling one extreme to the other extreme of emotions, I’m right in the middle. In this moment I realized I’m balanced. WOW Is this what it feels like to be balanced? Besides me fussing over myself about not feeling, I wasn’t worrying about my children or my husband. I wasn’t allowing my mind to go a mile a minute about my brand and business. I was just existing and being present.

This feeling of balance and neutrality was so uncommon for me that I couldn’t even identify it. I hadn’t been clear up to this moment what it meant to be in a constant survival mode until I experienced how it felt not to. I’ve been attached to the intense feelings of worry, anxiety, pain, and trauma like I think we all are. Even so, we seek that instant climax from those negative feelings to immediately going into feeling positive due to constantly surviving. I think for so long I’ve associated living with this romanticized perception of a life fueled with nonstop laughs, adventure, passion, joy, and spontaneity. I mean talk about looking for constant dopamine to maneuver through life. That’s not living, that's coping.

Now it makes sense why the simple life looks so boring and monotonous to a lot of us. It’s challenging to think you’re going to go from surviving in the trauma to living a peaceful simple life. Of course we're constantly looking for that emotionally intense driven life, where we’ve switched the anxiety of our traumas to masking our anxiety with what releases our natural dopamine. The fun parties, the luxury life, the lavish trips. Every and anything that’s going to give us that natural hit of high.

But it could also be that we don’t know that peace and balance is just existing, being present and it’s not tipping the scale from one side to the other. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I feared that if I wasn’t feeling something that was intense or recognizable it had to be something wrong with me. Why aren’t I feeling, right? Having these intense emotions lets us know we’re here and we’re human. But when we aren’t what does that mean? Does it mean we aren’t here? Does it mean we don’t exist? Or does it mean that I don’t have to attach my existence to my emotions? I’m still here and existing just aligned, balanced, present, and at peace. Experiencing the people, nature, and me in the moment with intentions. 

Tell me your thoughts, sis. Are you attached to your emotions or feelings? Have you experienced balance and alignment? What was that experience like for you?