top of page
Search

ENTRY 1: WHY AM I SELFISH?| CONFESSIONS OF A BELLA

Updated: Apr 12


Black woman looking up asking herself "why am I selfish?"

Dear Readers, 


MY PERSONAL NEW YEAR

I want to start by sending love and gratitude for the well wishes and blessings on my 40th. The beginning of last year I was so looking forward to the many ways I would bring in this personal new year of turning 40 years old. However, The Universe had other plans in mind. Instead of making plans for this milestone, I was trying to maintain the stressors from health, family and business in my life. 


I admit I was disappointed because seeing so many others bring in their 40th with these admirable celebrations, made me feel as though I would look back on my special day as a unmemorable, lackluster moment. However, I had to quickly change my mentality. To be honest, I didn’t have the energy or momentum to have this over the top celebration. I’m grateful that I even felt up to par to not lay in the bed chugging down pills all day.


Me turning 40 years old represents Melissa 4.0; The upgrade from where I used to be.

MELISSA 4.0

I then had a moment of reality. “Melissa”, is what I said to myself. “Whatever you choose to do it should be based on what’s special to you; not what is deemed special for others.” I had to check myself and refocus on what turning 40 meant to me and represented for me. Me turning 40 years old represents Melissa 4.0; The upgrade from where I used to be. This means that I’m now in a place where what’s best for me is my first priority. 


I’m in my “Me” stage. A space right now where I don’t have to over extend or over compensate myself to prove my love, loyalty and support to anyone else any longer. I now have to redirect that energy towards myself and pour it into me. I recently did some light reading about the "Four Stages of Life” by Mark Manson and it was enlightening. I discovered that the Second Stage symbolizes our “Self Discovery” stage and in that stage there is a sense of focus to one self. 


It’s as if I’ve reached a cross road in this stage of my life and there’s an arrow that points left that reads “THEM” and an arrow pointing right that reads “YOU”.

SELFISH

It’s as if I’ve reached a cross road in this stage of my life and there’s an arrow that points left that reads “THEM” and an arrow pointing right that reads “YOU”. And I’ve chosen to go right. Is this selfish of me? No. Becoming self focus isn’t selfish, because where my interest will heavily lie on the best decisions in my life, it doesn’t mean I can’t be supportive, loyal and nurturing to others in my life. It only means that it won’t look the same to others, as I’m evolving, awakening and healing into a better version of myself. Will that be a bit off putting for others? Will that come off selfish and inconsiderate to others? For some…Of course.


The irony is typically those who look at your journey of self; and your commitment to healing and growing; display selfish characteristics. Anyone who can see someone bettering themselves as selfish, when it doesn’t pose a threat or affect their lives, is actually the selfish one. People will naturally become accustomed to having the same access to you at their convenience. They will become accustomed to being able to misdirect their anger and resentment towards you and you still allow yourself to be available to them. They will also believe they can use you as a revolving door to come in and out of your life when it benefits them. But as soon as you decide that you’ve had enough and place boundaries; Or simply walk away due to it no longer serving you;  is when you aren’t given the same grace you’ve given.


PERSONAL NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

However, my personal New Year’s resolution is to focus on what serves me and cut off what no longer does. I realize that I can be much for others if I don’t keep my cup full, but in this new chapter, I’m only attracting reciprocity. I’m only attracting those who cups I pour into, to have the capacity to pour back into mine. 


Don’t get stuck on what you’ve defined them as in your life but rather how you can support their constant evolution.

LEAN IN

Remember to allow others in your life the space and room to grow. Be able to see them beyond what you’ve known them to be but what they have the potential to be. Don’t get stuck on what you’ve defined them as in your life but rather how you can support their constant evolution. Don’t have any particular expectation of what that will look like but keep yourself receptive and open. Their role may be interchangeable in your life, which means they may be distant due to their interests or priorities shifting because of their growth.


FINAL THOUGHT

At the end of the day if someone has the best interests for you, what helps you to grow, heal and become won’t pose a threat to what you mean to them and your place in your life.





36 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

1 Comment


Are you experiencing your "Me" stage? Are you having a inner struggle of being selfish or taking care of you? Lets discuss and tell me your thoughts below



Like
bottom of page