Mothering Through the Mayhem: Choosing Feminine Energy Over Force

Me comforting my son when he was younger. My kryptonite was seeing him down and giving him tlc. It wasn't often that he was sad or cried.

Opening the Wound

As I’m looking at my son and seeing his frail body inhale and exhale while I count every bone in his ribs my heart broke. I’m looking in his dilated eyes with dark circles underneath and playing back to the child I once knew and recognized. His demeanor was defensive and stand offish like he didn’t recognize that I was his mother and I loved him. The way he easily dismissed my outpour of love and concern for where his life was heading had me questioning did he even care about life. The way his room was in as much disarray and filth as his hair told me he didn’t care about himself.

For the last three years I’ve been going through a cycle of emotions. Sometimes that cycle of emotions can happen all in one day or moment. At first I had a level of hope. I wasn’t going to let this addiction get my son. I was going to fight for my son at all costs. But it was as if the more we took three steps forward, we ended up taking five steps backward. At this point it was a level of confusion and I had so many questions. I’ve been being open and receptive. I’ve paid therapists, and researched other measures but we weren’t getting anywhere and the confusion ultimately cycled into anger. I felt disrespected and unappreciated. I’m taking my time to provide resources and help and it’s the constant lies, defiance, and emotional unintelligence that has me wanting to square up at times. But once I realized that my anger, my frustration only fueled that negativity that he constantly needed to project my way I then knew it had to be another way. So I ended up feeling hopeful because now I’m going to try something different. I’m going to lean into being patient, nurturing, and understanding. I won’t give up on him so maybe if he sees that no matter how much he pushes back, rebels, or guards himself it'll finally click that he's safe to heal. However, my love for my son wasn’t enough to get him to love himself. Now this is when fear cycles in because I feel helpless. I’ve run out of solutions and I don’t have the answers on how to teach your child to love themselves let alone a teenager who thinks that they have all the answers.

The Mother’s Instinct to Fix

All I can hear in my head is how I have one job as a mother and that’s to guide my children to be self-sufficient with the ability to find their purpose in life when I’m no longer here. All a mother wants is to know that their child feels, love, protected, and safe. And when they don’t feel these things then it’s our job to figure out how we’re going to provide that. 

The saying “Mama Bear” doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s a clear analogy of how we are as mothers. The first time we see our babies fall and hurt themselves it’s the natural urge to pick them up, kiss the wound and comfort them with our love to let them know they’re going to be okay. However, I can admit that in theory they will always be our babies but in reality they’re their own individuals. We didn’t have babies, we had whole human beings who are having a human experience like us all.

Of course we never want to see them fall but they will and we have to allow them the space to get themselves up. We can’t control them on how to live their life and we can’t live it for them. We have to let go, allow, and flow. And yes it is most certainly easier said than done.

We start off with the best intentions because whatever we do it’s rooted in love and wanting the best for our child. However, it easily shifts into a different energy and the intentions can seem blurry when it starts to become forceful. My intentions with my son wasn’t to judge or be disappointed, it was me leaning in and being a support for my son. I didn’t want to push him away but it starts to read that way when I’m constantly nagging and micromanaging him and his addiction.

I thought having tabs on my son’s whereabouts would help in keeping him on the right track but it’s just feeding my insecurity of not having control over the situation. It fed the idea that I needed to do all I could and leave no rock unturned. Because the last thing I want is to feel or I want my son to feel that I could have done more.

My son losing his first tooth at 5. He was so happy he had to show me. Happy for the tooth fairy, that is.

The Turning Point

When my son’s addiction started to catch up to him, I said to myself, “FINALLY”. Maybe when he gets in front of a judge he’ll realize how serious of nature this is. He got some slaps on the wrist with community service and programs but he had no gratitude for the trouble he avoided. As hard as it is for black males I just knew my son would understand the grace the Universe gave him to get his mind right. He became even more defiant with me and anyone who was trying to help, whether it was his public defender, probation officer, or his counselor. 

It didn’t matter how much I did, it was just resulting in him pushing further and further away and deeper into his addiction. It was then I realized that my son didn’t believe he had a problem. He didn’t think his actions and addiction could send him on a path of destruction. “It’s only weed” as he says. So at that point I had to fall back. I had to be a silent supporter and watch from the sideline and when and if he wanted my help I would provide it but anything else I had to let him get that lesson on his own. I prayed about it and was sent the message to leave it alone.

Letting go and surrendering felt scary to me. I didn’t know what was going to happen with my son. I didn’t know if my son was going to get it together. It’s the fear of the unknown that keeps us living in a cycle. 

I knew I needed to break this cycle of living in fear in order to embrace letting go and not giving up. I had to start leaning into the power and strength of my feminine energy. I started to express my feelings and vulnerabilities to my son. I apologize if I came on too strong or overbearing when my intentions was to simply be supportive and help. I explained my fears and concerns on why I came across that way but I also explained that I can’t love him more than he loves himself. And I do have to fall back and allow him to find his way and I trust that he will most certainly find his way. I also confirmed that if and when he starts to show up for himself that I will show up too, but not a minute sooner.

I then had to stand by what I said and I started meditating and asking The Most High, my spiritual guides, and ancestors to help guide me through this process and journey. Help me to find the trust I have for myself and the trust for my son. I had to observe and acknowledge my worries and fears but not allow them to consume me. As I’m sitting here writing this, it’s helping to let go of all the emotions within so I can finally free myself of worry and control.

Redefining Motherhood in the Fire

While I’m still on this journey it’s allowing me to trust in myself that everything is going to work out even if I haven’t seen it  yet. I don’t have to question if I’m a great mother or not because where I do make mistakes, there’s no doubt that the love I have for my children, I’m willing to go to the depths of this world. But I don’t have to compromise my peace to prove that. I can love hard just by allowing my children the space to find their purpose and regardless of the mistakes they make I’ll still show up and express my love because it’s unconditional. This process is definitely transforming me into a woman that I’m not sure if even I could’ve imagined. Strong, secure, vulnerable, certain. I’m understanding how much confidence and patience are aligned for me. The confidence to walk through this journey having the patience to know it will all work out even if I can’t see it now.

I’m keeping myself grounded in my feminine energy with constant meditation. Meditation allows me to find the balance I need within my emotions. It helps me to stay steady and not become consumed with negative thoughts and emotions. I practice my burn and release self-care rituals that allow me to clear, destroy, unblock, remove, or release anything (from energy, thoughts, emotions, or entities) from my energy field that hinders me connecting or tapping into my feminine energy. I also practice declare and decree rituals that allow me to set intentions and speak life over me through this journey.

All of these things help me to remain level headed and confident that what I’m going through with my son is simply lessons for both us to learn and transform us into better versions of ourselves and have better relationships. I’m a firm believer that relationships help us learn something about ourselves through the other person. It helps us to grow and further define our purpose or our authentic self.

This process and journey with my son and his addiction is challenging of course. And because of that I have to remind myself that I have to be the mother for me as well. I have to nurture myself by pouring into me. There are going to be tough days and I might not always get it right so I have to be the mother that shows myself some compassion and not to be too hard on myself. I have to give myself that tough love like the discipline of a mother when I know I’m not sticking to my boundaries. Of course it’s hard to say no sometimes and of course I want to run and save my son every opportunity I get but I understand that doesn’t help him or myself. This is a new process for me as well because my relationship with my mother isn’t healthy or available. I don’t have a big support system, it’s mostly my husband and I and a few people I can lean on for wisdom and assurance. So for the most part I have to be the mother to me that I didn’t have.

My son sleeping on the couch. I loved these moments because he looked so peaceful and full of innocence

Embracing the Gray Area

In a perfect world I could say the stormy days have surpassed and with leaning into my softness, all is well and aligned. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. There are days where I can’t see the sunshine for all of the tears in my eyes. But I don’t make myself resist the urge to cry. I look at it as a way to cleanse and release the emotions of anger, frustration, and worry.

Some days I get so tired I don’t know if I have the energy to keep going. It feels like I’m walking through a dark tunnel and I don’t know nor can I see when it ends. I have my doubts whether this is all worth it and will it really work out.

Although I have these moments I no longer fight myself to not have them. I allow and receive these moments and understand that it’s all a part of the process. I realize it’s a bigger picture in all of this and one constant message in all of this is trust and patience. And to gain this trust and patience I have to release the urge to push and force, and learn how to lean into simply being and allowing. Doing nothing is a strength within itself because it takes the wisdom of knowing that sometimes doing nothing is the answer. So that means I have to trust myself and the process to sit, pat my feet (as the elders would say) and let the Universe do what it’s going to do. By all means that’s far from being weak.

A Message to Mothers Who Feel Powerless

I saw this message three years ago and it still holds true. I use this message whenever I lose sight of what’s truly going on with my son and I’d share with every mother that’s going through similar challenges: Our children come through us not from us. We don’t have dominion over our children’s lives because it’s theirs to live. Their mistakes, lessons, and challenges aren't a reflection on whether we are good mothers. It’s a reflection of their journey that contributes to their purpose in life. Even though it’s hard to see them fall and it’s harder to refrain from the urge of picking them up. We have to trust ourselves that we planted the right seeds and our children know when to water those seeds so that they can grow. We have to trust that our children can weather the storm and face those challenges but we’ll never know if we don’t make space for them to figure it out. 

Sometimes the way we love them is key and it’s a stage where we have to be bold and unwavering with our love. Then there are other times when our love has to be quiet and still. And that quiet and still love doesn’t mean we care or love our children any less. It means that we love them unconditionally. Despite their defiance, disrespect, repeated mistakes, we still love them and understand that it’s not personal. It just means that it’s time for us to take a backseat and allow them to gain the understanding and lessons in life that will teach them what we can’t.